Our Struggle

*This has been sitting in my post section as a draft this past month. I decided to finally share this personal portion of our life, not to receive sympathy, but writing this was sort of a therapy session for me (just writing out all of my feelings).

Failure as a woman. Sadness. Won't be good enough. Depressed. Punished. Not righteous enough. Why do I have to go through this? Broken. A disappointment. Hated. Judged. Body hates me. These are all thoughts and feelings I have felt for the past 3 years when Niels and I both felt like we needed to start a family. At first it was just "it will happen when it happens." We were both ok with that. Then about 6 to 8 months into it and nothing happened, I was starting to yearn to become pregnant. I felt pressured to as well, because my parents aren't grandparents and then my in-laws are wanting more. I really started feeling that something was wrong with me.

I would start getting jealous of people who were getting pregnant, especially those who hadn't been married as long as us. I hated the question, and still do, of when are you guys going to start having kids? Or, do you have kids? It was just really hard on me. There were times I really thought I was pregnant because I was a week late or I just felt like I was pregnant because I had a lot of pregnancy symptoms, but I was never pregnant. I stopped trusting my feelings because they have been wrong for so long. There are times that I have felt like God doesn't care about us. He knows what we want and how long we've tried to have kids. I hate when I feel that way and I know it's not true. I always repent when I get those thoughts.

It's hard knowing people where all they just have to do is think about getting pregnant again, and then they're pregnant. But, I have tried to stay positive that it will eventually happen. I have read about the women in the Bible who weren't able to have children, or were super old when they were able to have a child. It helped me a little bit, but I still had those thoughts and feelings of failure. Last year at the Palmer Reunion in Bear Lake, I just broke down. I thought I was pregnant because I was a few days late, and then Aunt Flo decided to show up while we were there. I just cried and cried. It had been 2 years of trying and I honestly thought that it was never going to happen and I was afraid to go to a fertility specialist for fear that they would say I could never get pregnant. I was so distraught and just thinking about it made me just cry. During that reunion, my sister-in-law Nancy was telling Niels' mom how we should try out this guy in Rexburg, who is more of a naturalist, but helps with all different problems (Here is his website where you can find out more about what he does: http://www.drdestinthayne.com/). About a month later, she gave us his information.

I called Dr. Destin Thayne's office in August, but they were booked until December. I just broke down after that call  because it was going to be a four month wait, but they did put me on a cancellation list. Well, at the end of October, I got a call from them saying there was a cancellation and called to see if I could go up there after the weekend. I was so happy because I finally thought things were starting to come around for us. We went and I found out it really was because of me that we weren't getting pregnant. I knew it was "my fault." Niels came along with me and we found out he was healthy as a horse. But, we found out my hormones were all over the place and that my progesterone was super low. He gave me some homeopathic medicine and my progesterone has come up a lot since October and is close to where it needs to be. I go to Rexburg every 2 to 3 months to be checked out to see where I'm at.

I've still had my hard times since taking the homeopathic stuff, but I know that it will happen. Dr. Thayne knows it will happen for us too and he can't wait until he receives a phone call from us that we are expecting. My body, unfortunately is just going at a slow steady rate; which I guess is good because slow and steady wins the race, right?

 Back at the very first of May, when I had an ovarian cyst that burst and I had to have surgery, this thought came to my mind "Great, just another thing that goes against me. My body really does hate me!" There was a possibility that the surgeons would have to remove my ovary. That thought just scared me even more because it would take so much longer to get what we want, a family. Luckily, they were able to save my ovary.

I know that Niels and I will one day hear the pitter-patter of little feet running around our house. There are reasons why we haven't had any children. I know it was a blessing in disguise that we didn't have one during school because it would have been hard to take care of a baby while Niels was in Idaho working while I was finishing my last semester of school at Utah State. I often wonder if we have been put through this to see if we would listen to the promptings of the Spirit and willing to start a family when we both didn't want to that first year of marriage. Maybe we felt that way because we needed to get help. Maybe we are meant to be put through this because we will be able to empathize with other couples who are going through this exact same thing. Whatever the reason, I'm starting to accept myself more and that I'm maybe not a failure as a woman.

Niels has been such a huge supporter through all of this. I LOVE that man! He is the best person! He has held me through much sorrow and crying. He loves me. How lucky am I to have it just be me and him for so long. Many couples don't get that. We have truly come to know each others weaknesses and not so good parts and yet we are still together. We have been able to work out the hard times and remain strong after working everything out. I also think it's good that we're going through this trial, which by the way I would never wish upon my worst enemy, because I plan on never complaining about pregnancy when I do conceive. A lot of ladies complain about being pregnant and I will just be happy I'm pregnant and having a child, even if it is a terrible pregnancy. I'm trying to feel sick and huge and more emotional. That's just what happens when someone is making another human being.

Anyways, I wanted to write this post because I'm hoping to help those who do read this blog. This is probably the most vulnerable I've ever been and I'm finally sharing this part of our life as a married couple with those who aren't members of our family. I hope this post has helped you.